A month ago, I was catching up with a very close friend and she was telling me about a guy she met that liked her and wanted to date her. I was interested in getting all the juicy details but she said there were none. She was taking her time to observe him so I let the matter rest. Few days after that, she called me and said she had told the guy about me and he was impressed by my blog and had sent me a friend request on facebook. Friend to my friend and potential in-law, I accepted. Then I did not hear anything about him again for a while.
Two nights ago, I got out of church and saw 7 missed calls on my phone. All from different people but there was a certain number I did not have stored. My battery was gone so I went home and plugged in my phone to charge. 9:39pm, my phone rang; the unfamiliar number that had called earlier. In my usual polite tone, I answered
“Hello, good evening”
I got a rather harsh reply
“Madam, you don’t know that when you come back and see a missed call from a strange number you should call back or at least text and say ‘hello stranger, I saw your missed call. Can you call back?’”
Ahan. Since when?
I laughed and replied
“I’m sorry. I was at church when you called. Please who is this?”
He gave his name and I was still not certain who it was. I know several people with that name. He eventually mentioned my friend and I made the connection. Oh! It’s you eh?
“Anyway, I need a favour from you.”
He had quite an attitude going on but I indulged him and asked what he needed.
“Do you have an email address?”
Shoo, in this 21st century? Who no go get email address na?
I politely said everyone had an email address and asked again what he needed.
“Can you read fast?”
Hian. What’s with all the questions na?
I replied in the affirmative and asked again, a little irritated this time, what it was he needed.
“I’ll send you something I wrote. I want you to help me read through it. It’s 200 pages and I’ll need it in the morning.”
“Read through it like edit it? I’m sorry, but that won’t be possible.“
Edit 200 pages in one night after a long day and with all the other articles I had pending? Who am I? super woman?
“Please jor, just help me. You can do it in 8 hours.”
“I’m sorry, but I really can’t…”
The young man seemed to get upset and with even more attitude, he went off on a rant.
“You don’t want to help me ba? I promise you, that book will be on the internet tomorrow and you’ll have to buy it.”
I should have gotten angry at that point yeah? Well, no. I didn’t. I’m the good girl, the good friend and I was thinking, he probably married my friend and she forgot to mention it to me so for the sake of my relationship with her, I’ll endure this.
He ended his rants with a dramatic “goodnight!” and I assumed he would hang up. When I laughed and said “goodnight,” he went off again.
“But you’re wicked o! You can’t even beg me. I thought you would say ‘okay, sorry, just send it let me help you.’”
The look on my face was incredulous. Was he serious? I should beg you to give me work that would not be convenient for me especially as you weren’t going to pay me? He had to be joking! Still the calm girl, I laughed good naturedly and said “I’m really sorry but I can’t help you, that’s too much work for one night.” He hung up a few minutes after that.
I was tired so I went to bed a little while later with a mental note to ask my girl why she got married without telling me. I mean, they had to be married for him to feel entitled to that level of privilege. Even marriage did not count but it was the closest I could get.
The following morning, on my way to work, I received a text from the same guy
“You understand you are quite mean and that you denied a ‘friend’ (albeit on facebook) and a colleague a favor ba? And here I was thinking you’d call back and ask me to send it anyway. You are mean wallahi”
Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to feel at that point. I wasn’t angry. I was just shocked that someone who did not even know me personally would think he had a right to that level of privilege. I thought it was all way too dramatic and I did not hesitate to ping my girl and ask her what was going on between them. Meanwhile, I sent him a message on whatsapp explaining again that if I had told him I’d get it done, I’d have been lying. He replied to say he had “bullied” another “friend” into doing it.
Fast forward to much later in the day. I received a message on whatsapp from the same clown saying “you have a great voice, young lady. Mesmerizing one.”
Now this was the point I decided to draw B’s attention to the matter. When I explained everything that happened, he was utterly shocked. A close friend was there too and their shared opinion was I needed to have a bit of mean in me. Lol. I agreed with them. But it was utterly ridiculous that someone that random would assume that somehow I owed him and he could make demands on me at any time and I had to meet them. Talk about privilege!
My girl eventually gave me the gist. They were just friends yet he kept policing her about. Telling her what to do, where to go, who to hang out with… he essentially felt she needed to obtain his permission to do anything or go anywhere. And eventually she had to tell him “you don’t own me.” Oooooh my blood was boiling! For real?! And they weren’t even dating! So what would happen if they got married accidentally? She would be his slave? Do his every bidding?
Here’s the reason I’m sharing this story. A lot of people go through life assuming that the world owes them something and so everyone should do their bidding. Well, if you belong to that class of people, you’re in for a rude shock. Nobody owes you anything! If you need a favour, ask for it nicely. If you get a negative response, move on with your life and don’t try to guilt trip the person into changing their minds.
I do a lot of editing for people but only at my convenience; especially as I’m not getting paid for it. I have a lecturer friend whose Ph.D. thesis I proof-read and even though he was under duress to submit it, he never put me under undue pressure or tried to guilt-trip into doing it outside my convenient time. He was my lecturer, he’s still my friend; that’s someone I have a relationship with and feel somewhat obligated to help.
Two very close friends of mine (both guys) shared some interesting experiences with me and with their permission I’m also sharing with you. The first guy had gone somewhere in his car and these ladies who were acquaintances requested that he drop them off somewhere. It was off his route and would take him a longer time to get home but being the nice guy, he obliged them. Ngwanu, madams get into the car and give directions but no, they preferred to take their precious time and dish out some attitude while they were at it. Ehn, was it not the same road? Would he not still get home? Why was he acting up? Was it because he had a car?
My friend did not hesitate to get in and drive off.
The other experience was pretty similar. The guy took his girlfriend to a store to make some purchases. They met some of her acquaintances there and these ladies totally ignored him. No interest in finding out his name or who he was and minutes later, they were asking for a ride in his car. Again, it was off his route, but because of his girlfriend, he obliged. When he asked for directions, their rude response was how could he not know the place? It was popular afterwards. And here’s what I thought. You did not know the guy whose car you were in, did not even know his name or bother to find out or engage him in a conversation yet you could ask to be dropped off and be rude to him at the same time? Oh boy. Some girls though. Same as my other friend, the guy dropped them off on the road and went off on his way.
Get this. Nobody owes you anything! Nobody! If you want something favors, respect… anything at all, work hard to earn it. And if you are going to beg for it, humble yourself. It’s just silly to assume that because you’re a pretty lady guys should fall over themselves to do your every whim. Same with drop-dead gorgeous well-built guys; I really do not care who you are or how much money is in your pocket or what your last name is even. Don’t expect every lady out there to fall over you and do your every bidding. It is important to respect yourself and the people that surround you. Don’t bully or condescend anyone for whatever reason. I’m nice, I might not lash out or go all out to be mean to you but there are people out there who would gladly do what I wouldn’t.
And for the people out there who let others walk on them like old rugs and treat them without respect, give yourself some dignity, please, it’s really important. Do not let anyone bully you or condescend for no reason. Have some self-respect. if you missed my post on chivalry, read it here. It’ll help you understand how to treat people decently.
Here’s to you becoming a better person.
Yours always,

16 thoughts on “Privilege

  1. You handled the situation very well. I’ve been in same situation a couple of times and I didn’t like it and I made sure the persons knew. It grates on me when I see people acting like they own the world.


  2. Ok. Since you shared the link of this post with me and told me to come check it out, you obviously wanted me to read, and comment.
    I already appologised to you, in a chat message, for the way you interpreted the whole thing. I hope you saw it?
    I, as a person, have being wired differently, as in, to joke with EVERY and ANYTHING. And all I said to you, especially in the phone conversation that night was a simple joke. If you’d recall, the conversation was filled with words like “shey”, “ba”, “ok o”, and the likes. I joke alot and I’ve just realised not everyone see my jokes the way I see them.
    Again, I appologise for the way you interpretted ’em words.

    With the issue with your friend, I honestly don’t know why you’d bring that up on a public site. It’s supposed to be some personal issue between me and her, innit? It’s the only thing I found slighting in your entire writeup.
    But just so you know, since we’ve all gone haywire and thrown caution to the wind, I’ve found what I went searching for, and am quite done on that and we’ve all moved on.

    Nice writeup, by the way. It was quite funny reading about me in such manners. On some issues you raised, I’l sure turn a new leaf.
    But next time, will you be kind enough to let me know you’d be doing a post on me so I know what to expect? xoxo


    • No Bro. She didnt make it public by putting it up, YOU DID by making “this” comment. In my opinion, this comment coulda passed as a simple text message or a private chat on whatever social media you’re connected to her on. The identity was anonymous for all we care, you blew whatever discrepancy that existed your own self with this comment. For the record, don’t assume next time; sharing with you & wanting you to read it was what it was I.e wanting you to read it, simple! Your notion of “wanting you to comment” is in my opinion your own creation. My advice, next time, simply read & handle privately whatever issue(s) that need handling, keep the status quo of anonymity uncompromised, cheers!


  3. Thanks Oge. As an approvaholic, his nuances would have gotten me to do a double take and kill myself to help. I’m grateful I’ve been to rehab. The old me would have been guilt tripped to act. I celebrate your resolve truly. No one owes you, besides this reminds me of Leke Alder’s rules on asking for help,jokingly or seriously. It should be with consideration for the person’s convenience et al. I wish we could all read those rules. At the end of the day, away with the sense of entitlement, lets act right. Joking or not, had you agreed to edit the work would he have refused? We have become accustomed to doing the wrong things that good may come. Mba! Thanks Oge.


    • Thank you Eloxie. I can bet an arm that he would not have said “Oh no, I was kidding” had I agreed to take on the job. I had to learn to build my own resolve and say no when I honestly could not handle something. Why should I bite off more than I can chew? I will not be bullied, coaxed or sweet talked into taking on more than I can handle. Thanks but no thanks!


  4. Very well said…most people who think they are rich or good looking and so they should have every1 fall at their feet are shallow minded people who think good looks and riches are all that matter


  5. Dear The Same Guy,
    How are you doing? Kindly indulge me and permit me to respond to your comment.

    Yes, friendship does have privileges. And to access those privileges, one has to be respectful of the friend’s time and schedule, ask nicely and then accept gracefully when the response is in the negative. Yes, because a friend knows that time is life and would accept if the friend’s schedule might not permit such an indulgence. And a friend also knows that his or her friend would not willingly withold help when it is in their power to do so

    When I read the original post, I couldn’t bear the thought that a grown man would act that way, like literally seek to bully someone to assist. I hoped it was merely your attitude and manner of approach (which in itself comes off as being annoying) but reading your response assured me that I may not have misjudged you after all.

    If I were you, I would be immensely grateful for the gift of feedback especially as your name was not mentioned nor your person villified. To see how appaling your conduct was from an objective point of view (seeing she is neither a love interest or an employee who may be economical with the truth) is a gift in my view, a very good place to begin making the necessary changes. Perhaps, people (friends) have bent over backwards in the past and encouraged this behaviour of yours, but that does not legalise it or make it acceptable. Neither does it make it okay for you to expect that manner of unchecked allegiance from people you hardly know. In my view, this should inspire you to do some house keeping and check out those not so nice parts of you the peice has pointed out and work on them. It spoke to all of us as well…(just thought to mention).

    I have no doubt that you may be a humorous person as you have pointed out, but this narrative which you did not refute did not reflect humour. In my view, it refelcted a self indulged person who was accustomed to guilt tripping people into doing things for him. It must have been working previously as you knew just how to say the things that got your ‘friends’ all guilty and changing their minds to act according to your bidding. As to your excuse? that my dear young man was not you joking. If she accepted to edit the work, after all the things you said, would you have refused her help and said you were joking? Therein lies your answer.

    I am not attacking you, but reading your response assured me that you missed the point to a large extent. What happened between you and her friend only served to reiterate the fact that it was your usual custom to act in the manner you did. Again, affirms that some self examination is in order. We are all wired differently, but we are not exempt from making changes so that our wiring does not translate into abusing ‘access’ rights or managing ‘NO’ so badly. That is not wiring, that is an acquired habit that can be unlearned in my view.

    We can all be better, we can unlearn bad attributes and learn good ones but only when we own our errors. Please own yours.
    Thank you.


  6. Lmao! But you’ve to give it to Nigerians. They have mind. Your B & friend were right, you need to have a little mean streak. LOL! The guy is very manipulative. I feel sorry for the people he ab’uses.


    • Lool. Nigerians eh? We’re quite something. Thankfully there’s still a few good men out there🙂
      As for the mean me, much as I don’t even want to it’s gradually becoming expedient. Thank u for stopping by🙂


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