I don’t know how to deal with this. I really don’t.
At some point, I used to. But not anymore.
I don’t know how to get through the day with thoughts of him running marathons in my head.
I don’t know how to function effectively with his smell filling my senses everywhere I go.
I don’t know how to focus and get tasks done with his distinct voice being in every sound around me.
This is madness. Pure madness.
I can’t stand it because I really do not know how to deal with this.
I do not know how to be that person that is so enthralled by another that I am unable to function.
What’s worse, I don’t even know what to do about this.
The real me would have walked up to him by now and said “hey mister, I think I fancy you. Would you like to go out for lunch?”
Okay maybe not the real me.
Maybe the old me.
Because the old me was bold and confident. The old me was crazy and impulsive. The old me knew how to live life like it would be over the next minute.
This new me, I do not understand.
The me that is cautious of every action.
The me that worries what others would say or think
The me that fears rejection.
So I’m looking out the window of my office and thoughts of him are filling my head. As usual.
I am playing back the meeting we had twenty minutes ago. It was a capacity building session and he delivered his presentation so excellently that I do not remember a single word he said. I just know it was great.
What annoys me however, is the fact that I can’t explain when or why this obsession with him started. Or can I?
Regardless. All I can see in my mind right now is the way he moved his body and his lips. That’s all that’s going through my head. I can imagine kissing those lips and the riot they would cause. And then his eyes. The most beautiful pair I ever saw. They are absolutely engaging. That’s one major reason I use a tape recorder in all our meetings. The moment I look into those eyes, I am lost.
It’s the way he speaks as well. He gesticulates with his arms as though his words stem from them and not his mouth. He vibrates with so much energy and speaks so passionately such that he commands uttermost attention. I find that really fascinating because…
He pokes his head into my door and interrupts my thoughts.
“Hey! I’m heading home. Have a good night”
I am a little surprised and I want to slap myself for being caught off guard. Of course, work is over and everyone is heading out.
I open my mouth to speak and he withdraws his head and shuts the door.
I just sigh and return to my earlier assignment; gazing out the window.
“It’s interesting that he has so much energy when he speaks because…”
His head is back through my door again.
“Sorry, I heard there’s another session at 8am tomorrow. Try to come in early.”
He seems a little hesitant to leave.
“Are you alright?”
His question amuses me and I almost detect actual concern in his tone
“Yeah. I’m fine. I just need to tidy up a few things here.”
“Okay. Good night.”
I sense the hesitation again. And without pausing to think…
“Would you like to go have an early dinner or something?”
Man! I need to think before I speak. Really need to think. Process. Question. Be sure…
“Umm. Yeah. That’d be really nice.”
My surprise doesn’t even hide this time
Coz mehn, I’m thinking, he better not be saying yes coz he wants to form nice guy and not hurt a lady’s feelings o.
“Yeah. I’ve been telling myself I’ll go out and do something fun one of these days but I’m just a slacker.”
I swing my feet off the table and look him over. He actually looks serious. Hian.
“Umm. I don’t know how much ‘fun’ dinner will be o.”
“We’re on the island. I’m sure we can find someplace where dinner will be fun. There could be a live band or something. We could eat and dance afterwards.”
Hian. Hian. Help. Biko. What’s happening here?
“Okay. I’m writing something. Might take me about an hour or less.”
He walks into my office fully and takes the empty seat beside me.
“Sure. Take your time. I’ll just try to find a nice place we can go to.”
I smile, nod and turn my attention to my laptop. I haven’t gone on a date in ages. I dread going on dates. There’s usually a lot of pressure. Hopefully this isn’t a bad idea. Hopefully.