“How long what?” you ask, even though you already know.
“How long are you going to keep acting like you aren’t hurt? How much longer before you let loose all the hurt that is crushing you on the inside?”
You smile a tired smile, a smile whose pretentious lines Adanna is all too familiar with and you shake your head.
“It’s not that serious jor. Leave me biko.”
But you know it is a lie. Whether or not you choose to acknowledge that.
The problem is you have spent years perfecting that lie, “it’s not that serious.” You have chanted that line every single time life hurled bricks at you, you have done it so much so that you believe it yourself. It’s not that serious. It’s never that serious.
“You continue like this and you’ll die before your time. It’s alright to hurt sometimes; to lash out and break something. The world will not come to an end if you express hurt or anger Ola.”
Adanna was right and you knew it. But it was a lot more complicated than that. You see, unlike a lot of people out there, you had been cursed with graciousness. And that was how you dealt with everything- disappointment, rejection, betrayal, hurt, even heartbreaks. You dealt with them with a kind, yielding graciousness, never getting mad at the source, because the universe had cursed you with it.
It was the kind of yielding graciousness that kept you from throwing tantrums when you were hurt, that kept you from being a drama queen- lashing out at everything and everyone, a cannon ball wrecking everything in its way.
It was that same kind, yielding graciousness that prevented you from yelling things at him, things you knew would really hurt. Things that would give him a small idea of how his own words muttered in that semi-gracious tone of his had made you feel.
He wasn’t a bad person. He was a really good person who was kind and sweet but had made some choices that didn’t include you in them. So it was not his fault that you were hurting. Although to be quite honest, hurting would be a mild, easy way of describing how you really felt. How you felt could not entirely be captured with words because you weren’t even certain of all that was in the mix.
There was a numbness that stemmed from hearing his words even though you had somehow been expecting them. Because you had managed to convince yourself that he would always choose you just like you had always chosen him. Then there was a mild type of anger mixed with a hollow feeling in your chest. Anger at yourself for letting him back in, for believing that things would be different. For not being courageous enough to walk away even though you had seen this coming even from the very start. Then the hollowness in that place he had hitherto filled with his consistent reassurance of always and forever.
The first time he had ended things this way, you had wept in Uzo’s arms. And Uzo’s soothing voice and deep laughter saw you through the first few rough weeks. The second time he ended things, Adanna had chided you for going back there. She had said “there’s a reason it didn’t work out in the first place.”
Now you were back with Adanna and she was gracious enough to not scold you this time but you knew she was mad at you. You wanted to be his ride or die but clearly he was only interested in ride or fly. If it wasn’t convenient, he wouldn’t hang around. You smiled as you thought about how he said things would be different. People never really changed. At least not this way.
So you consider the yielding graciousness you have been cursed with one more time and you tell yourself it is time to end that curse. You move around the mini flat you share with Adanna like a raging tornado and absolutely nothing survives. Adanna does not say a word until the storm passes. And when you finally break down in tears, she rocks you in her arms assuring you that this too will pass.
You cry for two hours, composing the most emotional email you would ever write. Once done, you hit the send button and for the first time in about a week, you can clearly describe how you feel- relief. Because the curse of graciousness is broken.
Song of the Day- Never Again| Trey Songz
Ps. We’ve got 3 more days to the new series. I hope you’re ready 😀