I miss you. I really do. But it’s no longer a nagging ache in my heart. I think that somehow I have finally made my peace with your passing regardless of all I may have said last year and the year before that. I don’t even know how that happened. I just know that I no longer feel anger or resentment at your absence. Certainly not the anger and resentment and deep hurt that littered the first post I wrote about your death and how our sun set at noon.
But it’s not even just about you. Kess, Ribadu, Bukky; all the young friends I have lost. Somehow peace has come to me and I am thankful for that.
The listlessness and fatigue that usually threaten to drown me in the month of March have been replaced instead with a peace I can’t even begin to describe or explain. Interestingly, I don’t even feel guilty for that peace. I think that holding on to the fatigue in some weird way made me feel like I was still connected to you, because no matter how many years go by, I never want to forget you. I never want you to be a distant memory. I never want to have to dig too deep into the dredges of my memory to find your mischievous smile or the glint in your eyes. It’s been 3 years now and the sound of your laughter has begun to fade in my ears but I earnestly hope I never completely forget it. It’s why I write these every year, to ensure that I never forget.
I went through your Facebook pictures today. Didn’t hurt like I thought it would. I was smiling the entire time and you were smiling back in most of them with those your chubby cheeks I would have loved to pull. I do miss you Kay!
March last year was really rough but this year is better. Never mind that I lost an aunt about a week ago. But I have found strength and peace and I can’t emphasize that enough. I’m wearing a smile as I write this. Maybe because I remember what my dear friend said to me when I went crying to him last year. “Death comes to us all, just make the most of the time you have with those who are still living.” I’m doing my best to make the most of all my relationships and I will not stop consciously investing in them.
Indeed to live in the hearts of those who love you is not to die. So I am thankful that you still live in my heart- you and every other person who has left me on this side of eternity. Spring is here, the flowers are blooming and I have peace flowing like a fountain on my insides.
Forever loving you,