I still remember your wide smile and cute pink gums. I remember your curly hair. I remember your skinny frame which was so much like mine back then. You should see me now though. I’m a size 10! My memory of your voice isn’t as strong as it was 7 years ago. But no matter how faint it becomes, I doubt I’ll ever forget it. Because that voice spoke some of the kindest words I ever heard to me. I doubt I’ll forget the sound of your laughter either. It wasn’t loud but it was infectious.
At different times each year, something brings you to memory. 2 years ago, it was a conversation with bestie and no matter how hard I tried, that conversation hurt my heart. It hurt so much that I soaked my pillow with tears later that night. She said you kept telling her you were tired and no matter how she tried to encourage you to fight, you wouldn’t stop insisting that you were tired and wanted to say goodbye. A part of me hurts that you wouldn’t fight for longer, but a part of me demands that I be reasonable because you were in pain I cannot even begin to fathom.
I remember talking to you about a certain crush who told me to go outside and play with sand. This was in SS2 I believe. And you were so kind and warm to me with your words that his own rude words soon lost their sting. You were there to listen to me rant about even the most inconsequential things. We shared an intense love for literature and the arts as a whole. And now I can’t believe you’ll never get to read my blog or watch any of my movies. Kess, I have made you proud with my writing and you aren’t even here to see.
I’m writing this today because Timehop brought back a tweet I shared 2 years ago after that conversation that night with bestie. 7 years after your departure, I still hurt that I didn’t have enough time with you. I hurt for that call to you that I kept postponing. I hurt for one final call, one last goodbye that never happened.
When we last saw 8 years ago, you teased me and said “so you went to Covenant University and forgot all of us abi?” I laughed and promised to do better, to stay in touch. 7 years later, I can’t believe how woefully I failed to keep that promise.
A few months ago, I made a promise to myself concerning someone but in the last few days, I have been breaking that promise without any deep thought to it. But this is a reminder. No more broken promises. I will do right by my heart because as much as is possible, I don’t want to hurt the way I am hurting.
Where my failed promise to you is concerned, I may hurt, but I certainly have no regrets. Because for a season of my life, I was blessed to share time and space with a truly precious gem- you. I am thankful for all that we had. I am thankful for the memories I have, no matter how faint.
I will never forget your smile, I will never forget your heart and I will never forget your essence.
Sleep well my friend.